A harsh inner voice can make even an ordinary mistake feel like proof that something is wrong with you. The best ways to improve self esteem are not about forcing yourself to feel confident all the time. They involve building a fairer, steadier relationship with yourself, particularly when life is difficult.
Self-esteem is the sense that you have worth, even when you are struggling, learning or not meeting your own expectations. It can be affected by childhood experiences, criticism, trauma, relationships, work pressures, illness and repeated setbacks. Low self-esteem is not a personal failing. It is often an understandable response to what you have lived through.
Why self-esteem needs more than positive thinking
Positive affirmations can be helpful for some people, but they may feel unconvincing when they are far removed from how you see yourself. Telling yourself that you are brilliant when you feel deeply inadequate can sometimes create more resistance, not less.
A more useful starting point is to notice whether your thoughts are accurate, fair and helpful. Self-esteem grows through repeated experiences of treating yourself with respect, recognising your strengths and responding to setbacks without turning them into a judgement on your whole character.
8 best ways to improve self esteem
1. Notice the language you use with yourself
Many people with low self-esteem speak to themselves in ways they would never use with a friend. Thoughts such as “I always ruin everything”, “I am useless” or “Nobody could like me” can arrive quickly and feel like facts.
Try slowing the thought down. Ask what happened, what you are telling yourself it means, and whether there is another explanation. Replacing “I am useless” with “I made a mistake and I can address it” is not pretending everything is fine. It is a more balanced response that leaves room for learning.
You do not have to make your inner voice relentlessly cheerful. Aim for it to become fairer, calmer and less cruel.
2. Keep small promises to yourself
Self-esteem is partly built through self-trust. When you repeatedly set impossible standards, then feel ashamed for not reaching them, the cycle can reinforce the belief that you cannot rely on yourself.
Choose one small commitment that is realistic for your current circumstances. It might be taking a ten-minute walk three times a week, replying to one avoided message, preparing a proper meal or going to bed a little earlier. Follow through where you can, then acknowledge the effort.
The task itself matters less than the message it sends: your needs and intentions are worth taking seriously. If you miss a day, restart without punishment. Consistency is helpful, but perfection is not required.
3. Separate your worth from your performance
Achievement can give a welcome lift to confidence, but confidence and self-esteem are not quite the same. You may feel capable at work, for example, while still believing you are only worthwhile when you are useful, productive or praised.
Consider the standards you use to decide whether you deserve respect. Would you apply those same standards to someone you love? People are more than their job title, income, appearance, relationship status or ability to cope without help.
This can be especially difficult if you grew up receiving attention mainly for being good, helpful or successful. Learning to value yourself outside performance takes time, but it creates a more stable foundation when work, health or family life changes.
4. Set boundaries that protect your wellbeing
Saying yes when you mean no can gradually damage self-esteem. You may be trying to avoid conflict, disappointment or rejection, yet your own needs are repeatedly pushed to the side.
A boundary does not need to be harsh or dramatic. It can sound like: “I cannot do that this week”, “I need some time to think”, or “I am not comfortable discussing this.” Start with situations where the risk feels manageable.
Some people may not welcome a new boundary, particularly if they are used to you always accommodating them. Their reaction does not automatically mean you have done something wrong. Respectful relationships allow space for both people’s needs.
5. Spend time with people who are respectful
The people around you influence the way you see yourself. Constant criticism, ridicule, manipulation or unpredictability can make it difficult to hold on to a positive view of who you are. Equally, isolation can give the inner critic far too much room.
Seek out relationships where you can be yourself without having to earn basic kindness. This may mean investing more in a trusted friend, joining a local activity, or limiting time with someone who consistently leaves you feeling small.
Not every uncomfortable relationship is harmful, and nobody will get everything right all the time. The key question is whether there is a pattern of mutual respect, repair and care.
6. Do things that matter to you, not just things that impress others
Low self-esteem often narrows life. You might avoid hobbies, new experiences or social situations because you fear failing, looking foolish or being judged. Avoidance brings short-term relief but can make the fear feel more convincing over time.
Choose an activity based on interest or meaning rather than how well you expect to perform. Learning a skill, volunteering, returning to a creative interest or spending time outdoors can all help you reconnect with parts of yourself that are not defined by criticism.
Begin at a manageable level. If joining a group feels overwhelming, try one class, one meeting or an online introduction first. Courage is not the absence of anxiety. It is making room for something worthwhile alongside it.
7. Care for your body without using it as a project to fix
Sleep, movement, regular meals and time to rest can all affect mood, concentration and resilience. Looking after your body is not a cure for low self-esteem, and it should not become another set of rules to fail at. It is one practical way of showing yourself care.
Try to notice the difference between choices driven by punishment and choices driven by support. Exercising because you deserve energy and stress relief feels different from exercising because you believe you must earn food or approval. If body image is a major source of distress, gentle professional support can be particularly valuable.
8. Explore the deeper reasons with a therapist
Sometimes self-esteem remains low despite your best efforts because it is connected to experiences that need more careful attention. Bullying, emotional neglect, abuse, controlling relationships, trauma, bereavement, depression and anxiety can all shape the beliefs you hold about yourself.
Therapy offers a confidential space to understand those beliefs rather than simply arguing with them. A counsellor can help you recognise unhelpful patterns, process painful experiences and practise new ways of relating to yourself and others. Approaches may vary depending on what is underneath, so there is no single method that suits everyone.
For adults in Folkestone, Hythe and the wider Kent area, Self Horizons offers a welcoming setting for counselling and psychotherapy, including remote support where travelling or time pressures make face-to-face sessions difficult.
When low self-esteem may need more urgent support
Low self-esteem can exist on its own, but it may also sit alongside depression, anxiety, eating difficulties, addiction, self-harm or the effects of abuse. If you are feeling hopeless, withdrawing from life, using substances to cope, or having thoughts of harming yourself, it is worth seeking support sooner rather than waiting for things to worsen.
Speaking to a GP, a qualified therapist or an appropriate urgent mental health service can be an important next step. You deserve support even if part of you feels that your difficulties are not serious enough. That thought is often part of the problem, not a reason to cope alone.
Improving self-esteem is rarely one dramatic moment of transformation. It is the quieter practice of taking your own experience seriously, making room for mistakes, and choosing support when you need it. Each time you respond to yourself with fairness rather than contempt, you strengthen the belief that you are someone worth caring for.